Chamomile tea

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Amazing how something so simple can bring back so many emotions and memories.

My mom used to make me a cup of chamomile tea in the evening when I had a sore stomach or just felt sluggish.

Just the smell of it wraps me in comfort as if she were right here giving me a hug and I find myself making it more and more just to feel that sensation.

Cheers mom! 


happy holidays

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I wish you all a wonderful holiday season!

My wish for 2017 is peace, love and happiness for all !


been away in more ways then one …

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Hey everyone

This blog has been quiet for some time.

I keep meaning to post so many things and have so many posts started; yet I never seem to get around to finishing them.

Some of it is time constraints and some of it is not feeling up to it; since loosing Bianca this summer  I was not feeling up to posting any blog posts.

But I am back now … and I hope to get on top of it  🙂

This blog may be taking a different turn though as life happens and changes.

We have been away in Italy again and I have lots to share about our travels.

We are still homeschooling 🙂

We also have a dog with us temporarily… she is a sweet black labrador retriever … and she is with us to be socialized with the hope that when she grows up she will be a guide dog for someone. Her name is Jazz and although the first few months with us here were quite difficult; as she was very nippy; she has now started to mellow out and is really sweet to have around.


So off we go with a new blog adventure… I hope you will join me 🙂


If you don’t have a dog…

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this is an excellent quote !

“If you don’t have a dog–at least one–there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life.”    ~Vincent Van Gogh


For  all of us who have lost a special pup … they will always hold a special part of our heart .
Day 4 today … I will eventually stop counting the days that go by without Bianca in it.
I was and still am so sad that I didn’t notice that my son is really struggling with this loss as well.
If anyone has any advice please message me , thanks!

if you live your life waiting for the storm; you will never appreciate the sunshine

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One of my kids wants another golden and wants to name her Bianca and I told him right away that won’t be happening. There was only one Bianca and she is gone and we must accept that she is not replaceable. I think  this is his way of dealing with the loss that he wants to fill… as I know he misses her very much.

I am no where close to wanting another dog at the moment. I have lost 3 in the last 9 years. My heart feels completly broken and with each one they have taken a piece of my heart with them. 

And Bianca in particular has taken a very large piece;  perhaps becuase she was the last of the trio;  perhaps becuase she lived the longest or becuase she was so attached to me and I to her. I found comfort in her so many times and even after the death of her sister … we found comfort in each other.

I can’t take the pain; yet I keep thinking how privileged I am to feel this pain. How many can say they loved so deeply ? how many can say they were loved so deeply ?

She loved me. I know she did becuase it was in her eyes… and I felt it deep in my heart.

I sit here crying.

I sit here thinking how can I go on without her… I don’t want to live a life without her in it… yet I remember feeling this way when my parents died as well… how does one pick up and go on? 

I have done it before; yet I can’t tell you how. Somehow it happens … the tears dry up and life goes on. 

I hate the house feeling so empty. Yes we have Jazz at the moment. She is with us for about another 7 months.  I think 1 of my kids will take it very hard when she goes as he is completly attached to her. 

Although  I had to send her away for a few days as I could’t take her. She was making me mad… and it was’t her fault … so I felt it was better she goes away for a bit. The fact that she is so young and healthy I think was making me feel mad… and that she is here and Bianca is not.

One of my favourite quotes … “if you live your life waiting for the storm you will never appreciate the sunshine”

and yes; If I live worrying about loss what kind of life am I living?

I loved her … for 13 + years she gave me so much happiness and love … would I give that up just avoid this pain?? … just to  avoid feeling such sadness… right now that I am crying my eyes out I want to say yes but I know I wouldn’t. I would not change a thing about having her in my life!

I feel like I could go on writing about her forever…  like maybe if I keep writing about her she will somehow come back. 

Puppies are cute and cuddly … but there is a certain kind of something that comes with an old dog that has  been by your side her whole life … a certain kind of familiarity … a certain kind of companionship.

I am trying to work on a video of Bianca as I did one for her sister … but I am having a much harder time … as Bianca lay  by my feet while I worked on her sisters’ video and I spoke to Bianca and cried with her as I did this  …. and now I find myself alone looking at pictures of Bianca. 

but I will get there soon. 

a friend gave me this quote and it struck a cord with me 

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog it takes a piece of my heart… And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of theirs. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.”–Unknown

and this brings me to 72 hours with her gone. 

thank you to all the wonderful friends who have messaged me such sweet messages… I am overwhelmed with the amount of love. 


goodbye sweet Bianca

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I am devastated.


I can’t sleep.


I can’t eat.

all I want is to have you here with me. I want to touch your soft ears. see your smile.

my heart is broken.

you are gone.


you were here and now you are not… and I can not grasp how this is possible after 13 and 1/2 years.


you have been my everything, for as long as I can remember. my rock when your sister died on us. my shadow around the house. my best friend. my companion on walks. the last one I saw before I fell asleep and the first one I saw when I opened my eyes.


you were always by my side, even when in so much pain you chose to come up the stairs just to be close to me rather then stay where it was cooler and more comfortable for you.


your love for me and us was greater then the pain you were going through.

always by my side.


you always had a smile on your face. I am so happy you chose us. I am so grateful for all the years you gave us. so grateful for how you looked after the kids; with your gentle stare and the love in your eyes.


I want to say be free … run … find your sister ( give her a hug for me) . Take those breaths that were so hard to take the last few days. stretch those legs that no longer supported you. but i greedily still wish you were here with me.

but I hope you are no longer in pain.

I think you were scared to leave me at least that is what I felt from you the last few days … and I was scared for you to leave as well… but know that you are in my heart; you will always be in it.


Thank you for choosing us as your family. Thank you for giving us 13 years of love. Thank you !!!

Rest in Peace


February 9th 2003 – July 6th 2016
my sweet, always smiling, gentle love

i am devastated … i know this will pass… I have loved and lost so many that i sadly know this pain too well… i am so sad she is gone… so sad and yet i hope she is no longer in pain … i was lucky to have her for 4,896 days and i feel privileged as only a few get to experience this kind of love.

~So I wish you all this kind of pain one day for it shall mean you loved!



8 year old finished processing santa

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So a few hours went by after blowing the lid on the whole santa thing … and my 8 year old is in front of me and brings up santa. I look at him unsure about what to say as I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to tell him again as he perhaps wasn’t sure he understood what I had said earlier or he wanted to pretend he does exist and go with that. I asked him “do you want the truth or do you want me to tell you something you want to hear?”

And he hesitated and his first answer was “both”, Which made me sad for a second but then he quickly said “I want the truth.”

So I still felt a little down as I felt like I killed it for him but then I remembered a letter I had saved several years ago that was written  by another blogger and I went to get it and used parts of it to help explain.

He asked me for clarity; if I am santa….

I said “no. I am not Santa. There is no ONE Santa.”

“I am the person who fills your stocking and I wrap your gift under the tree with dad’s help.”

“I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning and sit under the tree with their faces lit with Christmas lights.”

“This won’t make you Santa, though either.”

“Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.”

“It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.”

“Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.”

“With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.”

“So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.” *

What really made him light up was when I told him he was santa too !

and it was in that moment that all the doubts and questions of ‘should I have said all of this’ disappeared  🙂

My 8 year old is so excited about the spirit of santa and thrilled that he knows about the magic… so perhaps I haven’t messed up after all 🙂



*the letter I used can be found at this site; and I believe the original author is Martha Brockenbrough

update: a week has gone by since I told him and he seems more excited and happier then ever

the day I told my kids about the Easter bunny and Santa

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The day I told my kids the Easter bunny doesn’t exit or Santa for that matter and they didn’t loose it on me.

It’s been years in the making.

I fell into the Santa trap when my first was born. We got him toys and said they were from Santa, and I regretted it ever since. 

They never sat on any Santa lap and some years they didn’t even give Santa a letter so I really have no idea how they believed in him as I was never one to encourage it fully; besides wrapping ONE gift and placing it under the tree.  As I got smarter after the first year where I said ALL the gifts were from santa. I got only one gift from santa after that.

I am not sure what made me do it; as I didn’t grow up with any Santa. I don’t think it is a very Italian thing (there is ‘babbo natale’ ofcourse in Italy but the Italians have ‘la befana’ instead that is more popular; but she comes on January 6th) 

Anyways, every Christmas since that first Christmas (technically second as his first Christmas he was only 6 months old) I dreaded Christmas and hated  the whole Santa thing and it got worse once both my parents were gone as with no family it is a hard celebration. 

And so it’s been years I have been secretly hoping they would just realize; ‘yeah there is no Santa and it’s mom and dad’ and we would be done with it; But with each Christmas it felt like it was never going to happen. 

Then, causally over breakfast this morning, my kids started talking about the  Easter bunny (I have no idea how the topic came up)  And oddly enough  the easter bunny  has only come to our house  maybe a couple of times but for some reason they believe in it so much.

So I casually said with out even thinking really “there is no such thing as the Easter bunny!” 

And they looked at me and said “what” ?!? 

I was bracing myself for a melt down, but instead I got “I knew it!”  and a whole bunch of giggles from my 8 year old. 

Then my oldest said “1 down 4 to go!” So at that point I thought what 4? so he says Jack Frost (for some really odd reason ?!? And the sandman … Yeah I was as lost as you are)

So I say, “yeah those are not so real either, but then again,” I said,” I am not so sure if they are or aren’t.”

Then the conversation casually continued and then came Santa and I causally said “yeah santa isn’t real.” 

I gripped myself, expecting all hell to break loose and instead just got a “I knew it”  with lots of laughs from my 10 year old, while my 8 year old left the table as he needed time to process what I had just told him. and my 5 year old was completely not caring about what I was saying.

Everyone left the table and I was happy it ended there, as I knew the last one coming was the tooth fairy and well that was the only one I wasn’t quite ready to give up. 

So all is good in our home. 

Jack Frost and  the sandman may or may not be real. 

The Easter bunny is definitely a non existing thing and Santa well perhaps if my 8 year feels he is real then he really is real in his mind and heart.

As for the tooth fairy she is very excited for the next tooth she will collect 😉 

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And as for Santa I do believe he is real but he isn’t a ‘he’ but rather a spirit that is in all out us.


In my next post I will tell you what happened to my 8 year old when he came to see me after processing everything.


foster success

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Our first foster kittens have found their forever home thanks to the power of social media 🙂


We were a little sad seeing them go as the little rats ummm I mean cats were growing on us … but I was so happy to see them find a forever home together 🙂


Goodbye sweet Miss Mittens and Storm … may you have a long, loved life 🙂

See my first posts about them here


*if you are thinking of getting a pet , please visit your local rescues, they have plenty all ages 😉

I would like to introduce…

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I would like to introduce

2 gray kittens …


no they are not ours … we are fostering them … so they are available for adoption

they are really sweet and cute!

how did this happen ?


Well my kids really wanted a cat … and as much as I love animals … I am not ready to commit to a cat for 15-20 years … and thought this way we could help out and my kids could experience the joys of having a cat or 2 🙂


We don’t really know their story much besides being born to a stray cat and so I want to take this opportunity to say ; please get your cats (and dogs) fixed … please help prevent over population … also please please ADOPT a pet ( don’t buy). There are soooo many animals looking for their forever homes 🙂


More pictures coming soon … as we just got them today and they are just settling in 🙂